When she was itty bitty I would take a nap when she did. Now that shes older and for the most part sleeping through the night (she usually stirs and sits up and talks around 4ish still sometimes but then will settle down and go back to sleep with some coaxing from me :) I generally spend her nap times doing things that are a little bit harder to do with her awake. My shadow has to follow me everywhere :) And I let her help now, though usually her helping me unload the dryer also involves adding a couple cans of soup :) But it's all worth it.
A couple weeks ago was infertility awareness week and I didn't post anything because I've been doing so much with this fundraiser I felt it to be counter productive to post about that and then promote the non profit that helped us afford our adoption. But on the other hand, we wouldn't be as content with where we are without remembering where we came from and what we still sometimes struggle with. It's not that infertility stopped when we adopted her. I have other side effects of things that go on that make it unbearable sometimes but I have to power through since there are no off days as a Momma.
We spent years having tests run, procedures done, drugs taken, only to find out that we would have to go to a specialist because no one here knew anything and they threw the PCOS blanket over me. Which to me is code for, "I have no idea whats wrong with you." 2006 is pretty much when we decided that adoption was probably going to be what made parenthood happen for us. We decided the medicines I was on was not worth it because it was ruining our marriage because of all of the side effects. I would say things and do things to my husband that I would never do in a million years. We don't count anything I said during those months of being on that medicine because I literally could not control myself. I was telling Mom yesterday that it is terrifying to me to know that there are drugs out there that do that. But we both mutually decided that we wanted to be parents and we didn't have to be pregnant for that to happen.
Some accused me of TMI when it came to our doctors appointments and such, but it's amazing... for every ONE person who complained about us talking about our infertility I had 4 more confide in me that they were struggling with the same thing. How are we supposed to share what we struggle with when no one knows what we struggle with? And because what we struggle with involves a certain area, does that mean we are the only Christian who struggles with it? Absolutely not. We are blessed to be at a congregation where I was not the first one to struggle with this and I'm not the last. When sibling get pregnant before you do, when it seems like all of your friends are having babies but you can't, when some person from church tells you to have more faith... like you don't have any at all to begin with or something. I know that isn't how its meant but pregnancy is treated like the obvious next step after marriage sometimes that those of us who cannot are often treated almost like outcasts. When we say we struggle with it, the depression that comes with it, the knowing that we may or may not ever be parents... and when people with 4 kids who have had no problem getting pregnant tell you to just have more faith... not realizing how often you pray how often you try and just trust that God has a path for you, while at the same time you are asked why you don't have any kids and what are you waiting for... there needs to be more awareness in the Church of this. That babies, children, are a blessing... not a requirement. God promised us food and clothes and that is it. Everything else above that is a blessing. Yes being married and having children is a good thing, but not when it gets in the way of your faith.
I love being a Mom. I love my little Mari Ruth who toddles all over the house getting into things she shouldn't be. I love that she loves bluegrass music and dances the same beat to every song. I love it when she laughs, I love it when she cries, I love it when she needs me. I love it because without her I would still be in school, I would still be at a secular, distracting myself from the fact that we aren't parents. God led us to where we are through the struggles we had with the above and we found the road to adoption and what a wonderful road it was for us. We hope to be on that road again soon, but for now, we will enjoy what God has blessed us with :)
Life is good because God is GREAT.
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